Why is this Search for The One particularly stressful or worrisome for so many people?
Because it's so important to our future
We yearn for someone to "become one" with, to connect with, for intimacy
Many people are lonely without a special, special someone
Seems difficult: the pool, past relationships of ours and others, our childhood divorces
Hard to be at risk and vulnerable yet hard to be alone. How find someone? Technology or not?
Humans' brains are actually "wired" to worry about finding a romantic partner
The brain seeks both physical and emotional connection. The sexual and the romantic/intimacy.
Our analytic brain may overanalyze the search or people or ourselves
Hard to find someone who is both sexually attractive or mate/partner material. Easier to find one that may not be both.
So if we're biologically conditioned to worry about finding a good mate, does that mean that, in some ways, worrying about meeting The One is a good thing?
The worry can stress us out to the point of unhealthy
All our happiness in another person or just to have a relationship
Rush it. Too much closeness and commitment too soon.
Scare someone away. Or scare ourselves away from the relationship or dating.
Toxic coping skills that interfere with dating. Eating, drinking, workaholic, promiscuity.
Good healthy thinking/worrying in contrast.
Imagine what/who you want for a partner and make a list of the non-settling issues.
Focus on what you do want and not what you don't want
Can you offer some tips on how to do this?
Where do you imagine you might meet this person?
Birds of a feather flock together.
Bar may not be the best place. Church or gym or club or friends of friends
Go where you like. Nature Center, Museum, Sports Events.
Imagine in your mind meeting him/her.
What is "bad" worrying when it comes to dating and how does that negatively affect people?
Circular thinking. Endless negative pondering or fretting.
Work on making you healthier. Look what you did wrong in last relationship and work on that. Or why and how you settled.
Is it possible to rewire ourselves to be worry-free (or stress-reduced) when looking for love?
People should not be totally worry free. Not good either. Healthy worrying.
It helps identify what we do want and don't want. Avoids danger or repeating pitfalls.
Mark Twain quote: Have known many troubles in my life, most of which never happened"
85% time worries never happen and when they do, 79% of the time people say they handled it better than they thought they would.
Bad worrying is an overactive negative imagination. Use your imagination to solve problems not create or dwell on them.
Joyce Meyer: It's like rocking in a rocking chair and expecting to go somewhere
Use the positive imagination and envisioning
Work on you and go and do what you like and a person will cross paths.
The Clark Institute: Private Practice Psychotherapy for Children, Adolescents, and Adults
Human Resource Associates
Matthew Clark, Psy.D.